Playing in the mud

So last Thursday was the first day of the Bible study.  It went great!!!   It's a nice small group which is great because I KNOW that we all truly understand what the other is going through, and it's nice to be able to talk and vent about it to people who understand.  So the one thing that stuck out to me the most was a phrase that stated "when God isn't working the way that you think he should, go outside and play in the mud".  Referring to John 9:3-7 where Jesus healed the blind man by spitting in the mud and rubbing it on the blind man's eyes.  It also stated that "maybe infertility is just the mud God plays in to open your eyes to things you have never seen".  Today has been a play in the mud day FOR SURE!!!   I've been really emotional today for many reasons!   I think that this not only applies to infertility, but I think that it applies to all areas of life.  I have some friends going through tough times and it doesn't have anything to do with having a baby. I am praying for you guys constantly!

Own it

So I start the Bible study today for ladies that are struggling with infertility.  I am REALLY excited and ready to get this started, but I am also very nervous.   I know that I have prayed about this and had people praying for me and with me about this, but I still am SO nervous about doing something that is so much outside of my comfort zone.  My biggest worry is that it is going to be a flop.  My hope for this is that it is going to be something that can bring some sort of comfort and support to these ladies.  Not to spoil anything from tonight's lesson, but one of the questions that it asks is "How has infertility changed your faith?", I sat for a while and thought about that, because I think that it depends on what level you are dealing with infertility.   I think that if you are at the beginning to middle of your struggle with infertility, that you are going to be more willing to say that it has tested your faith, or caused you to question your faith.   But I think that if you are further along and have dealt with it for a while then you may have a different answer.  I think that for me, this struggle has really caused me to question God and wonder if he knows what he is doing or if he loves me, because if he loved me then he would want me to be happy.  BUT, the longer that I have been dealing with this issue, the more I have hit my knees and been more willing to turn myself totally over to God and let him fulfill his purpose in my life.   I think that doing this study is something that God wants me to be doing, I think that this is my ministry, and I know that if God's purpose for me is to continue this ministry and never be able to get pregnant, as hard as it will be to accept, that will be His purpose for my life and I need to live each day accordingly and giving the glory to Him.  I know that if I never get pregnant that someday I will adopt.  I used to always say that "even if I can't have my own kids, I will still adopt" and then the other day I was listening to a lady speak about adoption on the radio and she made that statement "I used to say that even if I can't have my own kids I will still adopt, and then I realized how unfair that is to the children that I will adopt.  I will still adopt them and they will be MY kids, so regardless of if they came from my body or  not, they came from God and they are mine."  
SO, as I go in to this meeting tonight I just want to say thanks to all of you who have prayed for me and continue to pray for me.  God is really working in my life and it makes it manageable knowing that I have all those prayer warriors around me.  Our theme for the youth this school year is to "Own It" (Romans 12:2), and this is me owning it.  I am not comfortable doing it, but this is who I am, and I'm going to give it my all and do my best at it.