Punched

I can't even begin to explain how it feels to have someone else announce a pregnancy or bring home a baby.  I try my best to be strong all the time, but it's HARD!!!!   I can't always be strong but I also can't always cry and get upset.   Hearing, watching, or reading about these announcements feels like someone standing in front of me and punching me in the gut!!!   Don't get me wrong, deep down I am really happy for people and excited that they get that blessing, but there is such a big part of me that is jealous and mad that it's not me.   I know that "my time will come" and all of that stuff, but it's not easy!!!!!   I can't even tell you how frustrated I have been over the past 6 months.  We gave up doing infertility treatments because I was tired of the medications and the roller coaster that I am always on (which never changes by the way).  We decided that we would just try on our own again...that hasn't been working, and then we decided that adoption was what we were supposed to be doing.  Well then we've had several miscarriages since then and now I can't decide what I'm supposed to be doing other than just crying and being frustrated.  I still think adoption is something that we are going to do but I just don't know when.  Jeff and I both want to make sure that we are financially ready to adopt a child.  I know that you are never financially ready for a child but I feel like if I am going to make an adoption plan I want to make a financial plan first and be smart about this.  But part of me feels like that by having a miscarriage that's God's way of telling me that it's not time for either one.  UGH!!!   I'm so frustrated and would just like to know when I get to share in that amazing feeling of being a parent and getting to bring my baby home!!!!!   My job doesn't make it any easier when you have biological parents saying "my child is not a blessing from God".....WHAT??!?!?!?  Trust me...more than you know your child is a blessing even if you are not the one on the recieveing end of that blessing.  So do me a favor and hug your kids and love on them and thank God every day for your blessing because you don't know what it feels like to not be able to experience that blessing.

Sadness

Well we found out today that we had a miscarriage.  Honestly, I'm not really sure what to think right now.  It's a lot of up's and down's and an overall rough day.  I sit here and cry because it's something we have strived for so long to accomplish and once we accomplished it we lost it.  We didn't even know that we were pregnant and weren't far enough along to have to have a D&C so that's a positive..I'm glad I didn't know that I was pregnant before the miscarriage.  The light in all of this is that now we know that we can get pregnant it's just a matter of staying pregnant. 

I also just found out that a friend of mine who's little boy has been struggling for a while passed away.  This lady has been a true blessing to me and has been one of the few individuals (in town) who actually knows what I have been through with all of the infertility struggles.  My heart hurts for her and her family and I pray that the Lord covers them in his love and I pray for healing for their family.

Through all of this it's hard to see God's plan for everything and know that everything happens according to his plan.   But I also KNOW that he has a plan for everything and that it will all work out for His good. While typing this I have been listening to my Itunes and just realized that the song Let The Waters Rise by Mikeschair has been repeating for some reason.    We are going to be fine, and we are going to get through this, but not without facing the storms in life and walking through the valley's first.