This is my biggest thing lately. I told Jeff tonight that this is the thing that I need to work on the most right now. I try not to let jealousy be a part of my life, but over the past 6 years it has gotten harder and harder to let it stay that way. Tonight was a breaking point for me and I can't explain what it was that caused it. My sadness over the inability to have a baby has not been this bad in a while. Here are the things that have been on my mind lately:
*All of my really good friends have kids and I don't feel like I have anything in common with them anymore because when you have a kid that's really all you talk about (I don't blame them, I would too). But I don't have a kid, so when I get in the same room with the majority of my friends, I don't have anything to add to the conversation. I feel like I'm losing my friends and there's nothing I can do about it!
*Most people go through major life changes....getting engaged, getting married, having a baby etc.....and it really bothers me that my life is staying the same right now. Yeah I have an amazing husband and I have a great job, but I feel like I'm always going wishing to be able to have my own kids, to get to experience being pregnant etc....
*I'm not really sure what lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this or what blessing I'm supposed to be to someone else through all of this, but it's really hard to watch my dreams happen to people who could care less!!!!
I am in need of some serious prayers. There's not a whole lot of people who can say that they actually understand what I am going through and that's frustrating to me. Because no matter what there's always going to be that one person who wants to know "When are you guys going to have kids?" or "What's wrong that you guys can't get pregnant?" I DON'T KNOW!!!!! I don't know that I'm ever going to have the "right answer" or the answer that I can give to someone so they will leave me alone about it. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, stressed, etc. etc. etc.....that's my life right now. But I'm also alive, I'm blessed and I'm loved and have a lot to be thankful for. I try to put those things at the forefront of all of my thoughts, but sometimes it's hard to have to continue to put up a fight to always see that light at the end of the tunnel or the blessing that will come out of all of this. I'm impatient and I don't want to have to wait and not know what's going to happen or when it's going to happen.
So yeah! Our decision right now is to Let Go and Let God. We know that he has a plan for our lives and that eventually we will see where our path leads, but I don't want to have to deal with the stress and emotional roller coaster that comes with infertility during the holiday season. It's really hard for me to let go, but I'm really going to try.
