Jealousy

This is my biggest thing lately.  I told Jeff tonight that this is the thing that I need to work on the most right now.   I try not to let jealousy be a part of my life, but over the past 6 years it has gotten harder and harder to let it stay that way.  Tonight was a breaking point for me and I can't explain what it was that caused it.   My sadness over the inability to have a baby has not been this bad in a while.  Here are the things that have been on my mind lately:
*All of my really good friends have kids and I don't feel like I have anything in common with them anymore because when you have a kid that's really all you talk about (I don't blame them, I would too). But I don't have a kid, so when I get in the same room with the majority of my friends, I don't have anything to add to the conversation.   I feel like I'm losing my friends and there's nothing I can do about it!
*Most people go through major life changes....getting engaged, getting married, having a baby etc.....and it really bothers me that my life is staying the same right now.   Yeah I have an amazing husband and I have a great job, but I feel like I'm always going wishing to be able to have my own kids, to get to experience being pregnant etc....
*I'm not really sure what lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this or what blessing I'm supposed to be to someone else through all of this, but it's really hard to watch my dreams happen to people who could care less!!!!

I am in need of some serious prayers.    There's not a whole lot of people who can say that they actually understand what I am going through and that's frustrating to me.  Because no matter what there's always going to be that one person who wants to know "When are you guys going to have kids?" or "What's wrong that you guys can't get pregnant?"   I DON'T KNOW!!!!!   I don't know that I'm ever going to have the "right answer" or the answer that I can give to someone so they will leave me alone about it.   I'm frustrated, angry, sad, stressed, etc. etc. etc.....that's my life right now.  But I'm also alive, I'm blessed and I'm loved and have a lot to be thankful for.   I try to put those things at the forefront of all of my thoughts, but sometimes it's hard to have to continue to put up a fight to always see that light at the end of the tunnel or the blessing that will come out of all of this.   I'm impatient and I don't want to have to wait and not know what's going to happen or when it's going to happen.  

So yeah!   Our decision right now is to Let Go and Let God.   We know that he has a plan for our lives and that eventually we will see where our path leads, but I don't want to have to deal with the stress and emotional roller coaster that comes with infertility during the holiday season.   It's really hard for me to let go, but I'm really going to try.

Giving up.....

So after a somewhat frustrating day my question to Jeff was "at what point do we give up"?   I don't really like using the phrase give up because I don't feel like we are giving up, but I'm really not sure what other phrase to use right now.   I told him that I just really feel tired of doing all of the medicines and shots and of being on this emotional roller coaster month after month.   Not that I expect everything to be easy but at what point do we stop putting ourselves through all of this and just stop.   I know that everything happens in God's timing and that it will happen when it's supposed to and all of those "encouraging" phrases.  But at this point it's really hard to keep telling myself that and to keep hearing the same "encouraging" words from people.  Most of the time all I want is to be able to vent my frustrations, because trust me there is not a whole lot that you are going to tell me that I haven't already been told.  All that to say that the conclusion that Jeff and I have come to is to do a couple of more rounds of just the medicine and then if that doesn't work to do 1 full "round" (the 3 times) of IUI.   So we are still going to try, but we both realize that this is really starting to wear on us emotionally and physically.  
Another thing that we talked about today was adoption.   This is something that Jeff and I have talked about that we both wanted to do even before we were married and adoption has been on my mind a lot lately.  Today I was asking Jeff how we will know if that's something that we are really supposed to do or if it's just something that we want to do.   I really feel that if God wants you to be doing something that he is going to make that very obvious.  So today after having that conversation with Jeff we were listening to the radio and they were talking about adoption and different people were calling in and telling their stories about when they adopted, how they knew it was the right thing to do, their struggles with having kids etc.... etc....   I was listening to these and it really just brought me to tears and gave me goose bumps.   But I realized it wasn't because I felt sorry for those kids but because I couldn't wait to be able to experience that opportunity.  So that being said this is something that we are really going to start to pursue.   We are really going to be praying a lot and ask that you all keep us in your prayers as we start this.  We are going to be praying that God shows us the right agency to use and that God will give us patience for this very long road ahead.   We know that God has a specific child in mind for us and we cannot wait.  

Worth It!

So tonight I was watching a show and there were some ladies that were talking about being abused by their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend etc.. For SO many years I dealt with being in a relationship where I wasn't appreciated and where I was made to feel that I wasn't worth anything.   I was being physically and mentally abused.   I know from experience that if you are in that type of a relationship that you don't believe when someone tells you that you are worth something.  I cannot express to anyone how it feels to have someone tell you all the time that you are not worth anything!   Because you believe that you love that person and you believe them when they say those things.   If you are a guy and reading this I can't relate to your situation.  But ladies.....don't ever let ANYONE tell you that you are worthless and don't let them talk down to you.  Be who you are and own it!   We have 4-5 consistent young ladies that are a part of our student group at Church.   I hope that they all read this and I want them to know that they are all very beautiful young ladies and are going to grow up to be amazing women who do amazing things   I feel really blessed that I get to be a part of their lives and watch them as they mature and grow not only as ladies but as children of God and that I love each and every one of them.   To the parents of these young ladies- You should be SO proud of them.   I know at times they frustrate you or have an attitude or talk back, but that's the way teenagers are.  They are in that stage where they want to do what's cool or be popular.....I was there when I was a teenager too!  
This may sound like a bunch of ramblings but I've been big ball of emotions lately and this topic is something that keeps being brought up in one way or another. 

Playing in the mud

So last Thursday was the first day of the Bible study.  It went great!!!   It's a nice small group which is great because I KNOW that we all truly understand what the other is going through, and it's nice to be able to talk and vent about it to people who understand.  So the one thing that stuck out to me the most was a phrase that stated "when God isn't working the way that you think he should, go outside and play in the mud".  Referring to John 9:3-7 where Jesus healed the blind man by spitting in the mud and rubbing it on the blind man's eyes.  It also stated that "maybe infertility is just the mud God plays in to open your eyes to things you have never seen".  Today has been a play in the mud day FOR SURE!!!   I've been really emotional today for many reasons!   I think that this not only applies to infertility, but I think that it applies to all areas of life.  I have some friends going through tough times and it doesn't have anything to do with having a baby. I am praying for you guys constantly!

Own it

So I start the Bible study today for ladies that are struggling with infertility.  I am REALLY excited and ready to get this started, but I am also very nervous.   I know that I have prayed about this and had people praying for me and with me about this, but I still am SO nervous about doing something that is so much outside of my comfort zone.  My biggest worry is that it is going to be a flop.  My hope for this is that it is going to be something that can bring some sort of comfort and support to these ladies.  Not to spoil anything from tonight's lesson, but one of the questions that it asks is "How has infertility changed your faith?", I sat for a while and thought about that, because I think that it depends on what level you are dealing with infertility.   I think that if you are at the beginning to middle of your struggle with infertility, that you are going to be more willing to say that it has tested your faith, or caused you to question your faith.   But I think that if you are further along and have dealt with it for a while then you may have a different answer.  I think that for me, this struggle has really caused me to question God and wonder if he knows what he is doing or if he loves me, because if he loved me then he would want me to be happy.  BUT, the longer that I have been dealing with this issue, the more I have hit my knees and been more willing to turn myself totally over to God and let him fulfill his purpose in my life.   I think that doing this study is something that God wants me to be doing, I think that this is my ministry, and I know that if God's purpose for me is to continue this ministry and never be able to get pregnant, as hard as it will be to accept, that will be His purpose for my life and I need to live each day accordingly and giving the glory to Him.  I know that if I never get pregnant that someday I will adopt.  I used to always say that "even if I can't have my own kids, I will still adopt" and then the other day I was listening to a lady speak about adoption on the radio and she made that statement "I used to say that even if I can't have my own kids I will still adopt, and then I realized how unfair that is to the children that I will adopt.  I will still adopt them and they will be MY kids, so regardless of if they came from my body or  not, they came from God and they are mine."  
SO, as I go in to this meeting tonight I just want to say thanks to all of you who have prayed for me and continue to pray for me.  God is really working in my life and it makes it manageable knowing that I have all those prayer warriors around me.  Our theme for the youth this school year is to "Own It" (Romans 12:2), and this is me owning it.  I am not comfortable doing it, but this is who I am, and I'm going to give it my all and do my best at it.

Here we go....

Ok so a couple of weeks ago a lady from the AJ contacted me and wanted to get more information about the group that I am starting. So here is the link to the story... Infertility support group utilizes Bible Lubbock Online Lubbock Avalanche-Journal I am really excited about getting this started, I keep saying "Oh it's not starting until August 19th" and I don't think I realized how close August 19th is until today. I have studied it a lot, but I don't really think I have let God lead me through it while I am studying it. I'm hoping that this weekend or next I will have some time to really sit down and REALLY focus on it and get prepared. Again, this is WAY out of my comfort zone, so ready or not!!!!

My Ministry

So as I mentioned in my last post I've really been wanting to start a support/bible study group for ladies who suffer from infertility.  I looked at bookstores, online, asked around etc...and there was nothing.  I was really getting frustrated and wondering what I was going to do because this was really something I felt like I needed to be doing.  So I cam across this website Sarahs-Laughter.  This website is specifically for people that are dealing with infertility or loss of a child.  I was looking around on this website and it mentioned a bible study.  Well come to find out this lady had realized that there was nothing out there so she just wrote one on her own, and it has just recently been published.  So I ordered this and i came in Thursday before last, right as we were leaving for vacation.  I was really excited because with having a 12 hour drive ahead of us that would give me time to look through it and do some planning.  IT'S AMAZING!!!!!!!   Reading over the different sessions is like walking through my life and our struggle to have a child for the past 6 years.  Everything that she talks about I've been there, thought, or experienced.  It just put biblical basis to everything. 
So I am really excited to get started with this and after talking with some of the ladies that I have asked to jon me in this group, we have decided that we are going to do this group on Thursday evenings starting the 2nd week in August.  I also had a lady from the Lubbock AJ speak with me the other day because she heard about what I was doing and would like to put a piece in the Religion section of the paper.  I didn't share many details of my person experience but rather just voiced my concern about the fact that this doesn't seem to be a talked about subject in church and that there doesn't seem to be that much support for people dealing with it.  I mentioned that most churches have classes/bible studies that deal with marriage, death, having a baby, and divorce but no one wants to talke about it when someone is having problems getting pregnant.  Anyways, so I'm really excited about that as well because I think it will get the word out and maybe give other ladies support.  So if you guys (all 2 or 3 of you that read this) know of anyone that you think would benefit from this or might be interested in attending please pass on the information or give them my information.  Also, please keep me in your prayers as I step WAY outside of my comfort zone to lead this, as well as the whole group. 

6 Years

So 6 years ago on Saturday, I married my best friend!   It's so fun to look back at how our life has changed over the past 6 years.  It's also sad in a BIG way.  Most of you know that Jeff and I started trying to have kids when we got married.  So Saturday also marks 6 years that we have been trying to have a baby.  I know that God has his own plan and that he doesn't want to show us his plan when we want him to, he wants to reveal his plan on His time.  But it's still REALLY hard.   Jeff and I have been doing a devotional called Moments for Couples Who Long for Children (thanks Heather) and it has been the most AMAZING thing for me!   We are only about a week or so into it, but it has been great to have that devotional time with my husband and to deal with the issue at hand and to really honestly talk about putting it in God's hands.  I looked at Jeff yesterday and just thanked God for a spouse that is willing to stick with me through this, and not turn around and walk out the door.  Jeff had his first REAL break down a couple of weeks ago, and as bad as it sounds, it was nice for me to see the part of him that's hurting.  He has been so strong for me all the time, that I don't think I realized how much this is hurting him too.  We had our "it's not fair", and "when is it our turn?" cries.  It's good to have those, but it's even more reassuring to know that I'm not a bad person for being "upset" with God or for questioning His plan.  I could not be more blessed to have such a loving and caring spouse that is also my best friend and cares so much about me. 

Some of you also know that I have been praying about leading a group for women who are dealing with the same thing.  I know a lot of ladies who are dealing with infertility as well, and I know that it's tough dealing with it when you think you are on your own.  Well after searching MANY  bookstores, and online I could not find ANYTHING, which kind of affirmed to me that it's not something that's really talked about.  Someone mentioned to me a website called sarahs-laughter (http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/).  So after looking around the website (amazing!) I actually found two.  I haven't decided which one I want to do yet (any opinions?????), but once I decide I will get it ordered and get this group started.  I cannot wait to see what God has planned for not only me, but for this group and the ladies that will be touched through this study. 

I'm not....

Fragile!!!  
Yeah, we've been trying to have a baby for over 5 years.  But we deal with it with each other.  I deal with it in my own way and I don't need other people making it a big deal for me.  I have a hard enough time dealing with it and trying to not make it a big deal.   UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!   I'm just so tired of people treating me different.  Someone actually told a friend of mind that they don't talk to me because they don't know what to say to me.   Say hi, ask me how things are going.  I have conversations all the time and I don't make it about babies or the fact that we are having struggles getting pregnant. 
That is part of the reason that we have made the decision to stop doing IUI's for right now.  We both have a lot of stress in our lives right now and that process is not an easy one.  It stresses us both out mentally and physically.  It's not an easy process.  Jeff and I sat down the other day and talked about the fact that we are going to stop doing IUI's for now.   I have come to the realization that it may not be in God's plan for me to ever have children of my own.   That's hard!!!!  I feel like I am giving up and that's hard for me. I am not fully "ok" with that, but I'm trying.  I cry A LOT thinking about the fact that something I have wanted so bad may never happen, and it breaks my heart not only for me but for Jeff.  I try constantly to not "worry" about it and fully put it in God's hands, but that is hard.  But I know that it is in God's hands and that I don't have any control over what happens.   
Ok that's my vent session for now :)  I am just very thankful for my family and my wonderful friends.  I know that they get to hear about a lot of my frustrations, but that take it like champs, and are there for me regardless.  Thanks guys :)
Please continue to pray for Jeff and I as we continue on this journey one way or another to have a child.  It's a long road, but I have faith that one way or another we will have a child. 

In the good times and bad

There's been a lot of good times lately and I have SO much to be thankful for; but it's so hard to see that sometimes with all the "bad" things. 
I am SO tired of going through all of the stuff to try and have a baby.  It's hard on me, it's hard on Jeff, it's hard on our families and friends I'm sure.  But I can't give up.  More than anything else in this world I want to have my own child.  People make it sound so horrible, and I'm sure at times it is, but I would give anything to be able to feel that!  We want to adopt at some point, but I want to be able to have my own children as well.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that my husband would be an AMAZING dad and I know that he wants more than anything to have that opportunity and it breaks my heart that he hasn't gotten that chance yet.  I know that we can be parents even if we adopt, but I want to have that experience with my child as well. 
I have my moments where I get emotional and I will be that way every so often, usually its in private at home, but sometimes it just hits and it's SO hard!  So I'm sitting at work and the Phillips, Craig & Dean song You Are God Alone comes on and it just reminds me that God is in control and that one way or another that whatever happens is in God's plans.....in the good times and the bad!  It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but it's a great reminder.

One step back....

So we had decided that we were going to do another IUI round, but this time we weren't going to tell anyone because it was pretty hard on us when it didn't work the first time and on top of that we had to tell people when they are asking if it worked or not.  So yeah, we wanted to do it and not tell anyone.  So I went in for my baseline ultrasound and during the ultrasound this is what I hear from the nurse (who had the most serious concerned look on her face) "Oh, Oh wow!" I could see the picture and knew that there was a giant whiteish mass on there.  So after a few minutes of that I told her that she was scaring me and asked her what was wrong.  She told me that we weren't going to be able to do the IUI this month because I have a pretty big cyst.  She said that she was going to call in a prescription for birth control and that we would have to wait at least one more month before we do another IUI.  She also said that she would let Dr. Dorsett look at the pictures and then call me in a little bit to let me know the final decision.  So I leave (in tears) and about an hour later she calls and says that it's not a cyst, but a blood clot and that it will probably be at least 2 more months before we can try another IUI again. UUUUUUHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  I am so tired of taking on step forward and then being pushed back to the start again!  So yeah, that's where we are with trying and I am in some serious need of prayers because I am so frustrated right now!

I'm Praying for You....

So recently a good friend asked a question on Facebook; when you tell people, "You're in my prayers," or "I'm praying for you," do you?
I would like to say that everytime that I say that, that I make sure that the person or situation is in my prayers, and I do stop at the moment and say a quick prayer for them, but is it not equally important to continue to pray? Obviously if it's important enough for them to ask for your prayers or for you to mention that you will or are praying for them shouldn't it be a continuous thing?  I have not been as good as I should be about following through with saying that I am praying for someone or something, and that is something that I really feel that I need to work on.  I have seen first hand the power of prayer, and how amazing it is so I want to share that experience with others. 
Something that I also enjoy is those people that say that they are going to pray for me and then 6-12 months down the line I get these e-mails or cards saying that this person "just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and continue to pray for you".  That makes my day and usually my week, it's nice every once in a while to get those reminders that there are those true friends who continue to lift you up in prayer no matter what the situation. 

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is how much of a true friend that I hope that I am to people. I don't ever want to be that person that says one thing to your face to be "a good friend" and then goes around saying things to others that I would never say to you personally.  I know that I have been blessed with AMAZING family and friends and I know that they have my back no matter what, but I see those people who are "friends" but complain about you or criticize you when your not around.  I want to be an example, and I have seen way too often the effects of someone saying something hateful to someone else about a "friend".  I know that we all have or will do this at some point, but I think there's a point in your life where you should be an example to those around you.

So, all of this to say that I have taken a good long look at myself and who I used to be and don't want to be that person or that "friend" anymore.  I'm going to spend a lot more time getting to know someone before I make rash decisions about them as a person or their situation, and pray a lot more for people when I say that I will.  I hope to hold myself to a higher standard and to be an example to the youth that I teach or the children that are around me.